It's big and I'm guaranteed to fail. You may wonder why I would chose something so difficult, let's just say I feel called to try. What am I giving up, you ask?
That's right, I'm selfish! It's a terrible attitude to have. There are many emotions or attitudes that fall under the umbrella of selfishness: frustration, anger, impatience, jealousy, and self pity to name a few. I have come to realize that often these emotions or attitudes make an appearance because things aren't going the way I want them to go. Often what upsets me is not even someone trying to hurt me or defy me (especially my kids), its just not exactly what I want. I'm guilty of letting all of these attitudes affect how I respond to situations and interact with others. I realized that it is hard to claim I love others, when my reaction to circumstances or encounters with people is selfish.
At the same time, I'm human and will never achieve love of others perfectly. So, I must do my best and try to improve my attitude. If I can respond with love instead of selfishness when things don't go my way, I'm following Jesus' example. Then just maybe I will be able to see what God sees in the other person. And maybe, just maybe, I can BE Christ for that person for a moment. That makes it worth the effort!
I am hopeful that if I can succeed in responding with love instead of selfishness just once it will be easier to respond with love the next time. I believe that the more I practice, the easier it will be to give up on selfishness. Maybe by the time Easter comes, I will be transformed. Maybe I will emerge from my own cave of darkness and rise as a more loving, caring person. Maybe then I will be able to show others the Light of Christ.
But today is Fat Tuesday, the day you feast before you fast. I had no intentions of feasting on selfishness, but I did. I got impatient with my son because he was repeating himself and talking over everyone else at breakfast, then I was angry to find out that I purchased an empty box instead of the ethernet switch I thought I was buying the night before, and if that wasn't enough I got frustrated when talking to a customer service agent about the phone service at work (not that he was responsible for any of the problems). This was all before 10 am! You could say I'm an overachiever in having a selfish attitude!
The worst part is that I didn't feel good while I was feasting. I had a headache and obviously I was in a bad mood. I was cranky, tired and just plain miserable! I couldn't help but think that feasting wasn't such a great experience. Do you ever regret feasting? When we feast we often overdue it, eat too much food, drink too much alcohol, spend too much money. Maybe that is part of what we are to learn during Lent; everything in moderation. Food, alcohol, money are all good in moderation, when restraint and discipline are exercised.
I'm not convinced selfishness is good, but making sure to care for yourself is good. Sometimes self-care looks like selfishness. We just need to be aware of our motivation. Does my desire for alone time, food, things, whatever prevent me from loving God and/or others? I'm still going to eat, go to bed early and take time for myself (I'm an introvert), but I'm going to work at loving others by responding with patience, joy, compassion, and presence instead of impatience, anger, jealousy, self pity, etc.
What are you doing to observe Lent? What ever it is you decide to do, please share your experience with me. I will share my experience with you; I will post about my struggles (which will be many) and triumphs (I'm hoping to have some). We can hold each other accountable for our attitudes and actions.
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