What is Selflessness?

Well we are on our fourth day of Lent. How are you doing? I haven't had any amazing successes or epic failures. Its just been a few days that I have been more aware of my attitude and subsequent words and actions.

Well, let me be honest about the way Lent started. At about 5:15 am on Ash Wednesday, I thought only two days to Friday and I am NOT giving up my time alone at home. I made it almost five and half hours before having a selfish thought! Don't be too impressed; I was asleep for the first five hours!!! I thought this is going to be a long six weeks. But I also decided that the more important thing would be if I acted that attitude out or, if necessary, I gave up my time alone to help another.

Having such an inauspicious start to Lent and my day was humbling. So when I got to work and found the sidewalk needed shoveling, I happily shoveled the snow even though it was cold, windy and blowing snow in my face. The wonderful thing about this is that I was able to participate in a couple of amazing spiritual moments. Our priest, deacon and Minister of Outreach did "Ashes to Go" that morning and they had just finished when I arrived. Because I was outside shoveling, I was there when two people came for ashes. I was able to give them ashes, which is an incredibly intimate spiritual moment. It was God breaking into life, right there on the street in Orchard Park.

The act of shoveling was not a selfless act of sacrifice on my part and giving ashes was certainly no hardship, but it was a reminder to me that when we serve with love we are also blessed. As the prayer of St. Francis says, "It is in giving that we receive...." Sometimes going about little tasks with a joyful attitude instead of frustration, anger or self-pity brings unexpected chances for blessings.

I have been thinking about selflessness, since that is the opposite of selfishness. I started to wonder what does selflessness really look like. Is it ALWAYS giving and sacrificing yourself? I don't think so, if you give without regard for your own needs you will eventually burn-out, which leads to you needing help and care. Selflessness is not forsaking yourself to serve others, but an attitude of love, grace and forgiveness. Sometimes we must put others or the community first and act in a way that benefits others more than ourselves. But selflessness is NOT about being so busy caring for others to the detriment of yourself.

We often admire those that are so busy caring for others that they don't eat right or get enough sleep. I don't think this is what Jesus wanted when he told his followers "to take up your cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) I don't think the cross Jesus means for us to carry daily is one of exhaustion. I think the cross we carry each day will be different; sometimes it will be the weight of caring for others, sometimes it will be the weight of our own inadequacies, sometimes it will be the weight of anger or frustration, and sometimes it will be the weight of illness. But we are not just to take up our cross; Jesus also tells us to follow Him. If we are to follow Jesus and His example, then we will go off by ourselves and pray. The Gospels tell us He went off to pray often; they also tell us Jesus took the disciples away from the crowds to rest. We, too, are supposed to spend time praying and resting as well as getting exercise (the disciples walked a lot) and eating.

Yes, Jesus healed, taught and served even when He was tired. Sometimes we will need to serve, give of ourselves, when we are tired, exhausted even; but if we fail to rest, we will collapse under the weight of the cross. The cross is too heavy to carry by ourselves, that is why we must stay close to Jesus. How do we stay close to Jesus? By reading the Bible, praying, resting and caring for ourselves as well as others. If we spend time with Jesus and caring for ourselves we can have an attitude of selflessness instead of selfishness.

I have already found it impossible to give up selfishness without Jesus. I agree with the apostle Paul when he wrote to the Romans, "For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15b) I couldn't even get to breakfast without having a selfish thought! So my journey towards selflessness must begin with prayer. It will be a constant prayer for me to think before speaking or acting, to check my attitude. Will my words or actions show love for the other person(s)? Am I sharing God's love or spreading my own agenda?

Giving up "The Attitude"

It's that time of year again...LENT! Each year as we approach Lent, I contemplate what I will take on or give up for the season of reflection, fasting, and repentance. I often choose to take on something; a spiritual practice, reading a book, studying part of the Bible. I find it easier and more meaningful, or so I claim. This year I will join the Episcopal Diocese of Western New York in reading the book Songs My Grandma Sang by Presiding Bishop Michael Curry but I also decided to give something up.

It's big and I'm guaranteed to fail. You may wonder why I would chose something so difficult, let's just say I feel called to try. What am I giving up, you ask?

 

That's right, I'm selfish! It's a terrible attitude to have. There are many emotions or attitudes that fall under the umbrella of selfishness: frustration, anger, impatience, jealousy, and self pity to name a few. I have come to realize that often these emotions or attitudes make an appearance because things aren't going the way I want them to go. Often what upsets me is not even someone trying to hurt me or defy me (especially my kids), its just not exactly what I want. I'm guilty of letting all of these attitudes affect how I respond to situations and interact with others. I realized that it is hard to claim I love others, when my reaction to circumstances or encounters with people is selfish.

At the same time, I'm human and will never achieve love of others perfectly. So, I must do my best and try to improve my attitude. If I can respond with love instead of selfishness when things don't go my way, I'm following Jesus' example. Then just maybe I will be able to see what God sees in the other person. And maybe, just maybe, I can BE Christ for that person for a moment. That makes it worth the effort!

I am hopeful that if I can succeed in responding with love instead of selfishness just once it will be easier to respond with love the next time. I believe that the more I practice, the easier it will be to give up on selfishness. Maybe by the time Easter comes, I will be transformed. Maybe I will emerge from my own cave of darkness and rise as a more loving, caring person. Maybe then I will be able to show others the Light of Christ.

But today is Fat Tuesday, the day you feast before you fast. I had no intentions of feasting on selfishness, but I did. I got impatient with my son because he was repeating himself and talking over everyone else at breakfast, then I was angry to find out that I purchased an empty box instead of the ethernet switch I thought I was buying the night before, and if that wasn't enough I got frustrated when talking to a customer service agent about the phone service at work (not that he was responsible for any of the problems). This was all before 10 am! You could say I'm an overachiever in having a selfish attitude!

The worst part is that I didn't feel good while I was feasting. I had a headache and obviously I was in a bad mood. I was cranky, tired and just plain miserable! I couldn't help but think that feasting wasn't such a great experience. Do you ever regret feasting? When we feast we often overdue it, eat too much food, drink too much alcohol, spend too much money. Maybe that is part of what we are to learn during Lent; everything in moderation. Food, alcohol, money are all good in moderation, when restraint and discipline are exercised.

I'm not convinced selfishness is good, but making sure to care for yourself is good. Sometimes self-care looks like selfishness. We just need to be aware of our motivation. Does my desire for alone time, food, things, whatever prevent me from loving God and/or others? I'm still going to eat, go to bed early and take time for myself (I'm an introvert), but I'm going to work at loving others by responding with patience, joy, compassion, and presence instead of impatience, anger, jealousy, self pity, etc.

What are you doing to observe Lent? What ever it is you decide to do, please share your experience with me. I will share my experience with you; I will post about my struggles (which will be many) and triumphs (I'm hoping to have some). We can hold each other accountable for our attitudes and actions.